My view from here...

Ah the cottage.  Kick back and relax right?  NOT!!  Between putting the dock in, I swear it weighs 800 lbs and fixing the waterline, the jet pump totally blew up last night.  Not sure if the smoke was from the engine or my brain from over thinking it.  The grass needs to be cut, the gardens need weeding, new dirt spread.  This is all just outside.  I sound like I'm complaining.  I'm not.  I choose to do all of this.  It gives me purpose.  Of course musings KB in this process makes me ache but the grass still grows without him.

I got up this morning thinking, how am I going to manage my entire morning on just a few light snacks and my Vemma shake.  Turns out the energy I had was great and I didn't feel weighed down like a typical Sunday morning pancake feat breakfast.  Food for thought in my world. Healthier portions make you not as lethargic.  Vemma gave me the energy to push forward.

They say there is a difference between living and being alive.  Today I am alive!  Bring it.  Also to my dear sweet mean godly trainer Jen...I'm not working out today.  I've done enough lifting and stairs to warrant a day off!  

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...

In all reality my above subject is the sound of my thighs tapping together as I run to the beat of my own drum.  I've done my own thing for years.  Fad diets, drinking green tea until I was literally green in the face, buying new running shoes every 6 months hoping they would magically strap themselves to my feet and make me run on auto pilot.  Besides a closet full of fun, funky and functional shoes I don't have a lot to show for it.  A pudgy tummy and flappy arms aren't great show pieces well for me at least.  I've painted a picture that I sit on my couch a lot.  That is so very far from the truth.  I'm active.  I ride horses, ski every weekend in the winter and take 2 ski trips a year, play volleyball on Thursdays and occasionally complete the beginner running circuit over and over again.  I'm good at most sports and can just about put my mind to anything I set my head to except losing the pudge.  Why is it so difficult.  Have I become so welcoming of my figure that I've forgotten what it's like to feel truly good about myself.  

I love food!  It truly is delicious.  What I like about the Vemma program is that I can eat 5-6 times a day.  Portion controlled meals but stuff I love.  And they have this amazing App for my iPhone that tells me when to eat and options as to what to eat.  It keeps it simple and for this workaholic excuse maker it works out well.

Now excuse me while I get off my butt and put on my magic shoes and put one foot in front of the other at a medium pace.

New Beginnings...

The truth is,  this year I've been through hell and back.  I've been knocked down, picked up brushed off and put in the corner to find my way out.  Before all of this began I lived a life of pure bliss.  Every day I miss him, and you will see my write a lot about him as this journey I am about to start is for me, and a gift from him.  I will refer to him as KB moving forward.

After reading that first paragraph it sounds like I had a very sad breakup.  I guess this is somewhat true. KB was diagnosed with Metalized Melanoma stage 4 on October 4 2012.  Melanoma is a type of skin cancer that can be controlled in every stage except for stage 4.   It winds it way through your body at this stage, landing in spots like your liver, lungs brain and bones.  His melanoma found it's way into his bones.  Probably the worst one, as your body can't produce healthy blood anymore.  We had upwards of 18 blood transfusions in the time he was ill.  On Wednesday January 16 2013.  Kris passed away peacefully with me by his side, telling him I'd be ok, and that he didn't need to fight anymore.  As I write this I well up with tears still wondering if that’s what he wanted to me to say.  So I didn't have a sad break up, I had my heart torn out, stomped on and then put back inside of me to remember how much I miss him.  This is he.... and I of course.

When you lose someone so close to you, you reach out to things to change your life.  The routine of what you and your spouse had has halted.  I chose to get in shape, not to be skinny, but to feel good about myself.  I've known Jennifer Ettinger of Fit Your Style for upwards of 5 years, and we have worked together before on some events, but I never thought of having her train me.  I'm a workaholic and have little time for anything.  But she made me rethink what I was doing in my spare time.  I've been training with her since mid march and I think both her and I are surprised at how well and how far I've come.

Today I made the commitment to her and myself.  I have volunteered to be her "project" and a model for the fast growing company VEMMA.  We took a picture of me on day 1 and will take one every 2 weeks, wear similar clothing.  VEMMA and Fit your Style as well as a healthy eating routine are going to help me achieve my goals. I'm excited for this journey, I'm excited to be a stronger happier me and in the back of my mind, and the front and the side, I can hear KB cheering me on.


Day 1...